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Nov. 7th, 2012 | 07:10 pm

there can only be specific reasons why you think life is not working out for you. i havent written here for a long time because nothing seems more useless than emptiness that i feel within me. but now today, i realized loneliness doesn't come from having nobody to share your happiness with, but no one to be with you when you're at the lowest point in your life.

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tonight is the night.

Oct. 27th, 2012 | 01:16 am

today, if anything i realized just how wrong my life feels. you only tend to realize these things when you realized that everything in your life is so messed up and you're confused beyond repair.

tonight, i realized that the things i've done and the way i've treated myself is going to kill me pretty soon and pretty fast. i cannot do anything about that obviously cause you can't turn back time. but let's say that you can... oh let's not go there.

for fuck. my life is over.

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Oct. 23rd, 2011 | 11:57 pm

Everything now I feel is different. There is no motive for love, no games for misadventure, no hope for dreams...
Today I can tell that there isn't much about the world I am after. Except to enjoy what i hopefully think is a chance to redeem myself.

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on tumblr now.

Apr. 1st, 2011 | 02:27 pm

every other blog/livejournal/xanga/blahblahblah is gonna get ignored.

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writer's block.

Mar. 25th, 2011 | 03:43 pm

 livejournal.com home has this little thing on its homepage that gives you ideas on what to write on if you ever run out of things to write about. so todays one was about love, and i decided, yeah i think i'll write about it. the question was, do i remember my first crush and did i ever tell him how i felt towards him.

yah i did.

his name was Lokman. i met him in secondary school. he was two years my senior. i had always known he was around and that he existed cause of NCC. and i noticed him because n the beginning he was more interested in my friend and we all covet what we can't have or what is not ours to have or want. anyway, i was a very ugly girl back then so he never noticed me. it was only in secondary 2. that was when i finally actually realised that we have the same bus route for school. like we took the bus from the same bus stop and walk the same way to school. which was amazing for me cause i could ogle him from far and it helped me make sure i was never late for that particular bus and hence, for school.

anyway, i finally talked to him in like march. and it was awkward because he knew i liked him without me having to tell him. trust myself to have loud and gossipy friends. he started waiting for me at the bus stop before and after school. and i finally start making use of my room phone. (not to mention my handphone) and he was nice and he was new and he thought i was pretty. at least pretty enough to love. he met my friends, or he had always known them actually and i met his friends; who seems incredulous for the most part cause i was seriously such an ugly girl in secondary 2. (notice, i'm trying to indicate that perhaps i am better looking now.)

he gave me my first kiss. not an intense one neither was it memorable. i don't remember how it felt, i just remembered that it happened. he gave me a peck on my forehead.

this is just a guess. but i think he fell in love with me and i fell in love with him. i let him into my life and told me everything there is to know about it. and he listened, like really listened.

i loved him. but i was too young to know what it meant. so i broke both our hearts by staying away. and i stayed far far away. hurt both him and me in the process. i probably never recovered and neither did he.

and how do i know this? because he told me. 7 years after we said goodbye to each other for good, i invited him back in my life and he told me. told me everything i did wrong and wondering whether anything i do can make it right.

i tried, for a few weeks. trying to make things right, but we're so different now, it was difficult to do it. difficult to get back the magic that was there so alive and burning so many years ago. so, i give up.

we made mistakes, we move on. we were given a chance to make things right but we just made it worse. so, lets give up.


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Mar. 24th, 2011 | 01:26 pm
location: 1.3440,103.6838

It seems like if I really continuously focused on one thing, I lose sight and footing on everything else and the act of balancing things out just makes it all much harder. Therefore, I should try finding some sort of balance between everything I do and everything I want to do. But it's not easy and I only just realized how difficult it is. So it's going to take time and I am going to be making cause i am sure as hell that I'm not as strong as I have to be. so be nice.

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no more subjects.

Mar. 18th, 2011 | 06:01 pm

 its friends only now.

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Mar. 14th, 2011 | 12:57 pm

 now that i know what is it i want, i'm lucky that you're still around. i'm proud of us and all that we had to go through. you'll always be that special, and nothing else will ever close to how i feel for you.

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this weekend.

Mar. 12th, 2011 | 12:19 am

 i worry about what the future will be like whether it's exactly what i bargained for. but its too early to tell. i just hope i don't regret.

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Mar. 6th, 2011 | 01:46 pm

we did not waste the past two years. we just forgot why we had to wait so long.

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