on trial.

every other blog/livejournal/xanga/blahblahblah is gonna get ignored.

 livejournal.com home has this little thing on its homepage that gives you ideas on what to write on if you ever run out of things to write about. so todays one was about love, and i decided, yeah i think i'll write about it. the question was, do i remember my first crush and did i ever tell him how i felt towards him.

yah i did.

his name was Lokman. i met him in secondary school. he was two years my senior. i had always known he was around and that he existed cause of NCC. and i noticed him because n the beginning he was more interested in my friend and we all covet what we can't have or what is not ours to have or want. anyway, i was a very ugly girl back then so he never noticed me. it was only in secondary 2. that was when i finally actually realised that we have the same bus route for school. like we took the bus from the same bus stop and walk the same way to school. which was amazing for me cause i could ogle him from far and it helped me make sure i was never late for that particular bus and hence, for school.

anyway, i finally talked to him in like march. and it was awkward because he knew i liked him without me having to tell him. trust myself to have loud and gossipy friends. he started waiting for me at the bus stop before and after school. and i finally start making use of my room phone. (not to mention my handphone) and he was nice and he was new and he thought i was pretty. at least pretty enough to love. he met my friends, or he had always known them actually and i met his friends; who seems incredulous for the most part cause i was seriously such an ugly girl in secondary 2. (notice, i'm trying to indicate that perhaps i am better looking now.)

he gave me my first kiss. not an intense one neither was it memorable. i don't remember how it felt, i just remembered that it happened. he gave me a peck on my forehead.

this is just a guess. but i think he fell in love with me and i fell in love with him. i let him into my life and told me everything there is to know about it. and he listened, like really listened.

i loved him. but i was too young to know what it meant. so i broke both our hearts by staying away. and i stayed far far away. hurt both him and me in the process. i probably never recovered and neither did he.

and how do i know this? because he told me. 7 years after we said goodbye to each other for good, i invited him back in my life and he told me. told me everything i did wrong and wondering whether anything i do can make it right.

i tried, for a few weeks. trying to make things right, but we're so different now, it was difficult to do it. difficult to get back the magic that was there so alive and burning so many years ago. so, i give up.

we made mistakes, we move on. we were given a chance to make things right but we just made it worse. so, lets give up.

bye.

 its friends only now.

 now that i know what is it i want, i'm lucky that you're still around. i'm proud of us and all that we had to go through. you'll always be that special, and nothing else will ever close to how i feel for you.

 i worry about what the future will be like whether it's exactly what i bargained for. but its too early to tell. i just hope i don't regret.

we did not waste the past two years. we just forgot why we had to wait so long.

 hello daddy,

yesterday, Abang hanif got engaged yesterday to Liyana. i don't think you know her though. they've been together for ages but i don't think abang has ever introduced her to you; he didn't to me either. anyway, she lives all the way in yishun so abang will probably be far away from mama. are you worried about that?; i am. they are to be married in 1 and a half years and less. and this may sound super premature, but abang pul is getting engaged to Nurul. and you oh so definitely know her right?? oh. no actually you don't cause the first time she met you was at the funeral. i'm sorry abah that you couldn't meet any of your menantus, they're an awesome bunch. Liyana and nurul are so beautiful and so perfect for your sons. they love mama and yea, thankgod they love me too. and kalau ada rezeki, fitri will be your future son-in-law and he is also just as perfect although he is a little crazy sometimes, which reminds me of you you know. maybe its true what they say, you're attracted to the one thats exactly like your father. and i don't mind daddy cause you're such a catch.



other than that, everything is normal and find in the family. mama still misses you too although i suppose we all do. abang pul just started at his new job at SMRT, he is going through his training now. im still in school and don't worry about school with me. i'm alot more awesome with my finances now so i'm fully self-sustained and saving up money the loan i had to take for school.



i know the pictures are huge but you're like near blind so i just want you to be able to see em. 

i love you daddy; we'll catch up soon love.

love, your sweetheart.

 what makes me remember you?
does your eyes, lips and lovely smile give you a clue?
you're always on my mind.
for you, i'd rather go blind.

clubbing, drinking, smoking
for that innocent face, you gotta be kidding
what can i do to make you change, darling? 
this is what im really feeling.

we shared many memories together
i'd cherish them forever
chased by a dog in the wee hours of the morning
to be chased by gangsters after clubbing

for 2 years, i month and 2 days,
i've been with the most beautiful face
i never want it to end
i'm willing to forever be your man.